Title-less Poem

What is it that I think of you?

A Gift, granted at the right time

Can become an amazing memory.

Yet, memory is not where you should reside.

A mind’s home is permeable, permanent, too solid

For touch.

You belong in the tangible world,

Waking those around you with kindness

And attempts at humor.

Confidence seeping from your scars

And filling a void

In me

I had forgotten was empty.

Wholesome, contradictory, confusing

And yet comfort to the core.

What is it that I think of you?

Common ground to start from,

Bridging a gap between

Cities.

A gap that closes with a word, a message,

A seductive kiss.

The breathless kind, that leaves a head

Spinning

And aching for more,

But poised enough to retain

The title gentleman—

What is it that I think of you?

Drunk on the intoxicating fumes

Of laughter hung in the air,

I am reminded of the seriousness of age,

The pensiveness of the unknown,

And the sweetness of the moment.

Trustworthy,

Honorable,

Courageous.

I think of you

As an opening into a world unexplored.

Exciting, fearsome, beautiful precipice

Balanced between what was

And what is hoped to be.

You’re twisted into my imagination,

Popping strings of doubt

That vine around my heart

Protectively.

I think of you

Sweetly,

Drifting to sleep on a sea of unrequited dreams.

Fingers tangled in my hair.

I think of you often

And wonder at my sanity

And yours.

Longing for a moment when the last song stops

And the lyrics begin

As gentle as a lullaby

Whispering

I’m here.

I think of you.

So Daily was a Foolish, Foolish idea...

“Now I’m working nine to five like I can earn my own salvation, but there is no condemnation in You.
--Jimmy Needham

That’s the best part of my faith. There is no condemnation. You have freed me from any guilt or condemnation. Why is it that I don’t really believe that? If I truly believed that, I would be overly anxious to make sure everyone knew that. And I don’t feel pressured to try to make everyone understand that they are children of God, who are loved and free from the condemnation of the world.

“Child, you are forgiven and loved.”
--Jimmy Needham

I was reading the book Just Walk Across the Room by Bill Hybels, and he talks easily and frankly about what it is to be prompted by the Holy Spirit to step out in faith, to share this true faith with someone who might need it.  And that thought not only frightens me, but also repels me. And I don’t know why that is. The God that I know is loving, just, true, and a friend to me.  But I’m afraid that the God that I know will be misinterpreted, or that someone will prejudge the God that I know and think about Him as He is often represented by the world, and I don’t want that for God.  I guess I think that I can, or should, defend Jesus.  As if He needs my help to spread the word of who He really is! This is truly a pointless worry, isn’t it? My God is way more powerful than my feeble attempts, and He wants me to grow and learn and be closer to Him, which is why He asks me to step out in faith. There is no condemnation in you! How do we so easily forget that?

Day 3: The Challenge

I have learned about myself today that I am a stress-eater.  I think I've known for quite a while, but it became painfully obvious with that bowl of ice cream when I was so full I thought I was going to burst.

Memory for today: I told Gavin he had to finish his homework before baseball practice.  When he realized that practice had already started, it turned into tantrum of the century.  Wow!  I have to say, though, I held it together amazingly well.  I never lost patience, I didn't let myself get angry and retort, but let him work through it keeping my cool.  At one point, I sent him to his room.  A while later, the doorbell rang, and the neighbor that I don't know asked if we were missing one.  Gavin had climbed out his bedroom window and was walking across the field.  Brilliant.  The highlight of all of this is that one of the signs at the end of the road comes out, so I got to drive my van across the field.  That was kind of fun.  He was sitting down by a post at the other end, got into the car without a word, drove home without a word, and then the only bit of lost patience reared its ugly head.  I turned to him and calmly said that he could never do that again or he wouldn't like the consequences.

I need a discipline idea for him.  I want something that helps him understand that he must respect authority.  He can dissent or disagree, but he must do so respectfully. He cannot yell at me, and he cannot talk back to me.  I can think of lots of punishments, but nothing that really helps him to learn this lesson.  Maybe having him practice listening and responding, but I'm unsure of what the consequence for not listening could be.  Food for thought!  I'm open for suggestions.

Through all of this, I did see that I am growing immensely.  Just the fact that I never yelled is a testament to that.  An area to continue to grow: find an alternative to stress eating!  I have a poor enough body image as it is without feeling guilty for binging because I'm tense.  I need an active alternative.  Praying seems a good idea, and one that would help me pursue my goals, but doesn't seem active enough.  Or maybe, it doesn't seem fulfilling.  At least with eating, I feel the results immediately.  Prayers about that...Good night, all.

Day 2: I already almost forgot...

So what have I in fact learned today?  It doesn't feel like much.  I'm already exhausted from the week.  (Spring Break: 9 school days and counting!)  I've done a lot today. 

Rhiannon's sick again, which makes me really sad.  The poor girl can't catch a break! And she's so weak and feeble when she's ill.  Oh, my dear, if only you knew how badly I want to make you better!

So what exactly is it that God wants me paying attention to today?  I'm really uncertain.  The most memorable part of my day is getting to go out with Sarah and Asia.  I love my friends.  I love dinner with my friends because we get to talk and laugh and pick on each other and embarras each other (although I think I do most of the embarrassing for us all) and it is wonderful.  I am a little sad that I'm not pregnant with them.  I don't really want to be pregnant, even if life were stable and everything was how it should be.  But I do miss the experience of getting to have a baby that I'm excited about and talking about it with my two best friends, and taking pregnancy pictures, and talking about baby names, and all of the fun stuff that comes with pregnancy that I did pretty much solo (except with Drake) because I was fairly isolated from them when pregnant in the past.  I feel like many of the choices I've made have made it so that I enjoy each stage of life less because it is harder than it had to be.  I've cheated myself out of many experiences.  Maybe that's what I need to learn today--this path that I'm on is just fine.  God has plenty in store for me, and my job is to love and appreciate what I have.  I envy a lot.  Envy isn't healthy.

So, Jesus, in my quest for your plan for me, one thing I must do is let go of the past and make better choices (God-centered choices) in the future so that you can lead me on the path you want me.  I want to get there the easy way, rather than through all the briars and brambles and such.  But what I have, the result of my struggles, is beautiful, and I can't forget that in the longing for the past to be different.  Meanwhile, I wish my beautiful friends the best of luck, and I hope you know that I'm here for you for whatever you need!  And Asia, I was never planning on leaving before your baby is born!  Just right afterward.  Because let's face it, being excited about a new baby is easy.  Making dinners for you and your family and helping you out with an infant--that's Sarah's job. ;) (I'm kidding--in case the pregnancy hormones make you believe me...)

Day 1: Purpose

I, like half of the internet-known world, have decided to blog.  God's working in my life. He always is, but He is specifically working in my perceptions of myself.  I've decided to go on a Quest for God's plan.  A Quest is generally set upon by a hero, and traditionally lasts for one year and one day.  That seems like a good amount of time.

Basically, as I see it, this is going to be a blog which will help me focus on my relationship with God and learning to view myself through His eyes.  I want to be able to walk out His plan and live life to the fullest, not wasting time.

But I have this problem focusing on God.  And I have been so lethargic lately that nothing has been exciting me, and I can talk myself out of doing anything worthwhile.  So this is a quest to find myself.  Mostly, I will be writing about the important things that happen in my day, and reflecting on what I've learned from the day--testing out the old adage that one does, in fact, learn something every day.  I decided to go with the blog format becaue, let's face it, a year is a long time. I see myself writing in a journal and not able to follow through with it after a short while.  As a blog, my close friends can look on and check my progress, and possibly keep my on track.

We'll see.

I'm not committing to writing every day, because I know myself better than that.  But four times per week is my goal.  That should be enough to track main events along my Quest and see the lessons I've learned.  I'm excited to see what will happen, and a little nervous at the same time. I imagine questors often feel thus at the beginning of a journey.  Hopefully the end will make it worth it.

Today, I actually returned to church.  It's the first time I have been to church in quite a while.  And church today confirmed this idea, because it is an idea that has been creeping up on my for quite some time.  God wants me to walk into all that He has for me.  And I want to live that out.   Maybe then, I won't feel bored.  I want to feel excited and passionate again!  I want butterflies-in-the-stomach, and hurt, and joy.  Lately, everything has been blending together.  Partly, I think, because I'm working on overload. I had the day completely off yesterday, and I spent about 15 hours of it sleeping.  I'm overly exhausted, and have completely lost balance.  Tomorrow is work: the first day of the last two weeks before Spring Break.  I love teaching, but I cannot even begin to express how ready I am for a complete and total break.

And I am foolishly (because I know it won't be able to happen) toying with the thought of going to Italy on Spring Break.  Matt wanted to take the kids, which I don't think is the plan now.  But it seemed like a great opportunity.  It's one more dream that I know is completely unrealistic and can't happen, and I'm not sure what about going to Rome is so appealing right now at this exact moment except that I'm exhausted, and running away sounds truly enjoyable. So tonight's purpose--prayers for a realistic, exciting, enjoyable, and important thing to do for Spring Break this year.

P.S. I miss my car. Should I really buy a new van?  I'm not sure what will become of that whole escapade, but I think that the Honda breaking down is an opportunity to explore a new mode of transportation. If it really can be rebuilt for $1000, and I really could sell it and my van, a safe, under warranty vehicle with Air Conditioning would be amazing to have this summer!  More on that some other time. For now, good night. Ramble on. (Ah, Led Zeplin--you may need to make an appearance on my Ipod.)